The concept of “maternal instinct” is often portrayed as a biological light switch that flips the moment a baby is born. However, modern neurobiology and attachment science suggest that the “instinct” to bond is actually a complex, unfolding process shaped by interaction.
Understanding the “Instinct”
You’ve probably heard that loving your baby is supposed to feel automatic — like a switch that flips the moment they’re born. But what’s actually happening in your body is more like a warm-up. During pregnancy and birth, hormones like oxytocin quietly do their work, tuning you in to your baby’s sounds, smells, and expressions. Think of it as your body laying the groundwork. The ability to bond is built into you — but learning to read your specific baby, and responding to them, is something that grows with practice and time
Here’s something that might surprise you: compared to most animals, human babies are born remarkably early. Their brains are nowhere near done developing — and that’s actually by design. The bulk of that brain-building happens outside the womb, shaped almost entirely by the interactions they have with you.
The most powerful thing driving that development isn’t a toy or a program — it’s the simple back-and-forth between you and your baby. When they coo, you smile back. When they cry, you lean in. When they reach out, you reach back. Researchers call this ‘serve and return,’ but you can think of it as your baby’s first conversation. Every time you respond to their little signals — with your voice, your eyes, or a gentle touch — you’re literally helping to wire their brain.
Timing and the Bond
Does everyone feel a bond immediately? Scientific evidence says no. There is a widespread myth that the “golden hour” following birth is the only window for connection. In reality, many parents report feeling a sense of duty, exhaustion, or even detachment initially. Bonding is a spectrum; for some, it is instantaneous, while for others, it grows slowly over months as they get to know their baby’s personality.
Several factors can delay this feeling, including:
- Physical Exhaustion: Extreme sleep deprivation can blunt emotional responses.
- Mental Health: Postpartum depression (PPD) affects roughly 17% of new mothers and can manifest as emotional withdrawal or a flat affect.
- Trauma: A difficult birth or past traumatic experiences can leave a parent in “survival mode,” making it hard for the “bonding brain” to engage.
Is Something Wrong With Me?
If you don’t feel an immediate “spark,” you are not “broken”. The absence of an immediate bond is not a reflection of your character or your child’s future. The brain is highly plastic, and your commitment to showing up—feeding, changing, and holding your baby—is the active work of bonding, even if the “feeling” hasn’t caught up yet.
However, if your lack of feeling is accompanied by deep sadness or an inability to care for the baby, it may be a treatable medical condition like PPD. These are not failures of “instinct” but health issues that require support.
What to Do if You Do Not Feel Bonded
If you are struggling to connect, consider these research-based strategies:
- Focus on “Serve and Return”: You don’t need to feel an overwhelming sense of love to respond to a cry or a smile. These small, repetitive actions are the “bricks” of attachment.
- Skin-to-Skin Contact: Often called Kangaroo Care, this practice stabilizes the baby’s heart rate and increases oxytocin levels in both the parent and child, physically assisting the bonding process.
- Practice “Rupture and Repair”: No parent is perfectly attuned 100% of the time. What matters most is the “repair”—noticing a disconnect and taking steps to restore the connection with a gentle touch or a softening of the voice.
- Reduce “Technoference”: Digital distractions can create a “digital still face,” where a parent is physically present but emotionally absent. Putting the phone down during feeding and playtime allows for the “joint attention” vital for building a bond.
The first year is a marathon of structural and psychological engineering. Secure attachment isn’t a magical gift; it is a relationship built moment by moment through presence and persistence. You are building a brain, and that takes time.
You don’t have to figure this out alone. The Build a Brain Project is where families come together to access real education and clinical science — on their schedule, in their corner. Come find your people.