The “hidden cost” of convenience

By Stephanie Montgomery, Ed.D.

I’ve been working in early childhood education for over three decades, and I am no stranger to the compounding effects both academically and social-emotionally that occur when we “wait and see.” I’ll be honest – the new research available to us today absolutely thrills me because it validates what many of us in the field have long suspected. It also encourages me because it gives us a clear path forward for how we can better support our children.

At Build a Brain, we often talk about the critical window of time in early brain development in the first three years of life. This is the period when 80% – 85% of brain architecture is formed – a time when sensitivity to language and emotional control is at its highest. However, as a parent in today’s digital world, you face a challenge that didn’t exist when I started my career: the “digital pacifier.“

toddler having a meltdown in store

It’s a scene every parent knows: you’re trying to cook dinner, take a phone call, or simply catch your breath, and your toddler has a meltdown. In that moment of desperation, handing over a tablet or smartphone feels like a lifeline. It works instantly. The screaming stops. Peace is restored. But we must look closer at the “hidden cost” of this convenience. The latest science suggests that excessive screen time doesn’t just pass the time – it can actually interfere with and exacerbate the very tantrums parents are trying to avoid.

The Science of the “Dopamine Loop”

To understand why screens are so effective at stopping a tantrum – and why they are so problematic – we have to look at what’s happening in a child’s brain. When a child engages with high-stimulation digital media, their brain releases dopamine, a chemical linked with positive feelings and reward. This provides an immediate distraction, ending the meltdown quickly.

However, this “quick fix” creates a vicious cycle:

  • External vs Internal: Using screens to soothe a tantrum hinders a child’s ability to learn self-regulation. It teaches them that external distractions solve internal distress, delaying crucial emotional growth.
  • The Dopamine Drop: When the pleasurable activity stops, dopamine levels drop. This can leave a child feeling grouchy, resentful, and unable to cope with the feeling of missing the activity.
  • Increased Reactivity: Over time, children become more emotionally reactive, making future tantrums more intense and frequent.

Recent tracking of the same children over three years revealed something startling: preschoolers who spent more than 75 minutes on a tablet at age 3 1/2 showed increased outbursts of anger and frustration by age 4 1/2. This led to even more use by 5 1/2 as parents used the device to manage the increased outbursts.

Understanding the “Arc of the Tantrum”

In working with parents, I find that using the tool “Arc of the Tantrum” can help parents understand that a meltdown is a natural process with distinct phases. When we insert a screen into this arc, we disrupt the child’s natural learning process.

  • Before Trigger (The Baseline) At first, everything is okay, though your child might be “predisposed” for trouble because they are over-tired, hungry, or it’s simply a rough time of day like dinnertime. This is the stage wher prevention techniques – like consistent routines and clear expectations are most effective.
  • Escalation: Something triggers strong, upset feelings. You’ll see whining, arguing, and physical tension building in their body. This is the ideal time for co-regulation—supporting your child by being present and calm while they move through their emotions.
  • Dysregulation Zone (The “Flooded” State) This is when tantrum behaviors reach their max. The higher-functioning parts of the brain are essentially “off-line,” and the child is in a “fight-flight-freeze” state. You might see screaming, hitting, or throwing. Verbal interventions and lecturing will not work here because the child cannot think logically in this state.
  • Calming Down: Ideally, the child begins to naturally calm down. You’ll notice quieter voices, slower movements, and a physical “slump” or relaxation. It is crucial to let them de-escalate without messing it up by rushing back into the conflict.
  • Back to Normal: Eventually, the brain and body return to a baseline state. Only now, in a peaceful moment, can you “circle back” to address what happened and teach healthy coping skills.

Why Screens Disrupt the Healthy Arc

When a device is used to stop a tantrum during the Escalation or Dysregulation phases, the child never completes the arc. They don’t learn how to move from “flooded” back to “baseline” on their own..

As Dr. Gabrielle Garon-Carrier, a researcher in psychoeducation, puts it: “Learning to recognize emotions and adopt behaviors that are acceptable to society cannot be done in front of tablets. Instead of building the “muscle” of emotional resilience, the child becomes dependent on a device for emotional management.

When the screen is finally removed, the “dopamine drop” often triggers a post-screen-time meltdown that is even more intense because the child lacks the internal skills to handle the disappointment.

Proactive Strategies: Beyond “Wait and See”

This research demands that we move from a “wait and see” mindset to a “check and see” approach – being active in how we assess and support our children’s emotional development today. Here is how you can empower your child to build a stronger, more regulated brain:

Set Healthy Boundaries

  • Establish Limits: Set clear daily limits for screen use (such as one hour for preschoolers) and stick to them
  • Use Visual Timers: Let the device or a timer be the “bad guy.” Remind the child of the limit before they start, and let the device ping them when time is up. This helps them feel more in control.
  • Model Habits: Children resent limits that adults don’t follow. Create a “family media plan” that includes screen-free zones, like the dinner table, for everyone.

Practice Active De-Escalation

  • The “Face ofCompassion”: When escalation starts, get down to your child’s physical level. Relax your body and use simple, short language.
  • “Trade Up”: Instead of a hard “no” to the screen, move them to another activity they enjoy even more, like a favorite book, a physical game, or a small chore that makes them feel responsible.
  • Redirect Energy: If a child is physically acting out, guide them toward an activity that burns physical energy with a simple focus, like tossing a pillow in the air, safe stomping (on a yoga mat), fidget toys.

Support Brain Growth Through Interaction

Remember that the foundation for later success is built through oral language and everyday interaction.

  • Talk and Narrate: Describe your day to your toddler. Every word they hear builds neural pathways for language processing.
  • Read Together Daily: Even if your child is not ready to sit still for a whole story, shared reading builds phonological awareness.
  • Respond to Cues: Treat their babbles and early words as a real conversation. This back-and-forth exchange is the bedrock for all language learning.

We Know Better, So We Must Do Better

I believe we’re ready to move beyond waiting until children are struggling with emotional regulation to act. We have the science, and now we have the opportunity to create meaningful change.

Our children deserve early environments that recognize the critical importance of those first three years. They deserve parents and caregivers who understand that every interaction is an opportunity to build the foundation for both literacy and emotional health.

The science is clear. The “digital pacifier” might offer a moment of peace today, but it comes at a cost to your child’s development tomorrow. By choosing connection over convenience, you are building a brain that is resilient, regulated, and ready for life.

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